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Knocking the dust off my crown…

It’s been awhile since I’ve worn my crown. I took it off a very long time ago because someone told me it was silly and that only royalty wore crowns. I took it off that day and put it away. I haven’t thought about it for a very long time and when moving my things, I found it and I thought that those people don’t even matter anymore and I put that crown on my head, squared my shoulders, and flipped them all off and it felt awesome!! I’m not ever going to believe them again! Anyone that’s been through the hell that I’ve been through deserves all the crowns she can get her hands on…maybe a sash and a scepter too!! I know the truth now and nothing is going to change that.

I’ve just gone through six months of gut wrenching pain and chaos. It was certainly traumatic. I believe that the things that hurt you the most…the ones that change you, are very traumatic. They say that broken hearts can kill you and I know for a fact that if it doesn’t kill you, you’ll wish it had. Heart break is just sad…for anyone. There are different traumas for different people. Some people are loud and angry and some are quiet and withdrawn. I have learned that it’s ok to be quiet but it is also ok to raise your voice if they are not listening to what you have to say. I usually get better results when I give them “the look” and I speak very slowly and quietly.

I have meditated, listended to inspirational speeches, played all my inspiring and healing music, I have written hundreds, maybe thousands of pages about my life. All about me. What happened to me, how I felt, who hurt me, who stayed, who left, and who decided to make me feel like I didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. Only one of those people are still on this earth as of now and I’ve said my peace and I have forgiven them all, but most importantly, I forgave myself for taking on everyone else’s guilt and shame. That was not for me…it was theirs to bear.

I purged everything negative, painful, and that does not serve my best interest. I accepted it, I looked at it, and I let it go so that only good and positive things come into my life. I have been carrying trauma and fear nearly my entire life. I just clung onto it because it was the only thing I knew and sadly it felt comfortable and safe. I only had a handful of people that I could feel safe with and I could trust that when they told me something, it was Truth.

The most important one of those people was my mother. I miss her so much sometimes that I just have that pain in my chest because I need her so badly. She was my rock and all I needed was to hear her voice and I instantly calmed. She took care of 4 kids by herself for awhile and with me being so sick, I’m astonished at her ability to care for all of us and still do all that she did. I was at the ER at least 3 or 4 times a month(for 10 years) because of my heart condition. She sat with me through seizures, a stroke at the age of 8, and two major open heart surgeries.

She was super woman and she kept her cool all the time. She never broke down and just cried from all the stress. I never saw her do that. She was strongest woman I knew. When things get really hard, she always shows up in some way or another. I’ll hear her call my name, find an old picture that relates to something I’m dealing with, and just hearing her give me that pep talk about remembering who I am and what kind of women I came from. It does it every time and I caught myself writing it down so that I could put it on my desk to see everyday. Thanks Mom!

I’ve seen that strength in myself a few times in the last few years and I guess before when we were all together. Before Ryan went to college. Before we moved to Austin, Texas. Before Mom(2009) and Dad(2011) died. Before Matt went to prison (2010). Before I almost died again in 2012 with a Thyroid Storm. By that time, I was just done with all the craziness in my life. That’s when it really started…the anxiety, the depression, I had no desire to do anything, my marriage was just going through the motions, and my hope was slipping every day. I stayed super busy all the time so that I didn’t have time to think about the broken pieces.

All of that stress in just a few short years and I was thrown into that black hole of chronic illness. Pain everyday. weakness in my muscles everyday. Trying hard to do something to get my strength back but I was in a state of constant stress and no one gets well in an environment of stress. It makes you sick and tired. Sad and depressed. It makes you give up and too tired to care and when you add a toxic relationship to that…you don’t want to be here anymore…at all. I would never leave my children that way because they are my everything and they are the one thing that truly did bring me happiness no matter how sad I felt.

In all of this crazy, stressful, toxic mess, I have healed my inner child, I’ve done a brain dump on my entire life, I’ve prayed to God to give me a sign, to show me how to do this, I’ve done everything I could think of to break this traumatic bond with all of these Traumatic experiences. I was literally on my knees begging the universe to talk to me, to show me a sign, to help me pull it all out of me. All the garbage The One that conditioned me for all the others. The one that taught me how to hide and be fearful and the one that made me feel worthless. The last thing I want to do is go to the cemetary and find my father’s grave, but I’m going to and I want to tell him everything that I’ve always wanted to say and I want to leave all of that with him. I’ll never pick that up again. It’s not mine to carry.

My father took my worth. Other people took little pieces of me too. Crushing my self-esteem, killing my confidence, and making me small and afraid again. The universe will take care of them. I’ll take my life back and never let it go again. I’ve healed my inner child and she is healthy again. She’s no longer afraid and hiding…I call her little one. She’s still working on it all except now we do it together.

I’ve been practicing meditation and visualization every day for the last 6 weeks. I mean consistently three times a day and then it all started to change. I’m breathing better, I feel calmer, and the negative voice gets quieter and quieter as I go. I’ve been saying positive affirmations, trusting my intuition again, and speaking, reading, and writing only positive things. I’ve had good conversations with my husband and we are both calmer about it and we are trying to help each other with it and that’s a bit strange but it’s also good. Our children (even though they are all grown) do not need to see us fighting and hear us talking about each other in a bad way…it only are hurts us. I made it a point not to talk badly about my husband because that just makes me like all the other people who do that. It’s ugly and harmful to everyone.

If there is anything good in this divorce, it’s that we are both healing ourselves and we are changing. We are elevating our minds, bodies, and our spirits to a better place. We are doing what we are supposed to be doing and We’re going to be ok. I know that everyone heals in their own way, but the one thing that you have to do is believe. Believe that you can heal and that you deserve to heal. Drowning in Victim Energy is no way to live. It’s hard and painful and you are never truly happy because you are too busy blaming yourself for things that other people have done.

I told myself every day that I could do this. I believe in myself. I talked to myself calmly and I left the emotions out of it. Never think that you can’t do it…tell yourself that you can until you do. Trauma is something that gets in your head and it digs in and makes you feel all the horrible emotions. I was drowning in sadness and depression but you couldn’t tell because I had the happy face on all the time, stuffing that crap down so that no one would see me. Sad girl.

I told myself the same things everyday. I told myself that I could do this and be happy. I deserved to have all the things that make my heart sing. I am worthy just because I was made by God and that makes me just the way I am supposed to be. I never have to change for anyone. I was not made to be small and afraid all the time…I was made to have joy, peace, and all the beautiful things in this life. No one is here to be judged, riticuled, or made to feel less than. There are people in this world who’s soul purpose is to destroy you just because they are miserable and jealous of everyone better than they are. Some people are just hateful and mean and that is their business. They are responsible for themselves. How they live, how they act towards other people, and what they have in their lives. We all have a choice as to whether we are happy or successful. You just have to dig out of the darkness and declare to the universe that you will rise and you will make the right decisions for the best life for you.

If we don’t step up and grab the beautiful things in life and continue to lay in the road, we’ll be run over and then what? Lay down and die? I’ve contemplated that but then my will to live pulls me up and says “Try again”. That’s the best thing my mother told me…”Try, Try, Again Jackie…you are stronger than you know”.

I believe now. I love me now. I want to be a light in this world. I know that my purpose is to love and heal those I come in contact with. I have a servants heart and enough love to give to everyone. I am exactly who I was made to be and if you have felt this way and you feel stuck, not knowing how you’ll survive…read my stories, call me, message me, e-mail me…I’ll hold your hand until you are strong enough to trust and believe in yourself. I’ll never leave you alone. But I know that you are strong and you want so badly to be confident and truly happy again. Look hard…she’s in there…talk her out of the darkness. You can do this and you deserve all the beautiful things!!

Thank you all for your love and support…I could not have made it without my sisters, my very good friends, my children and everyone that knows me here and on my pages. I love you all.

Jackie xoxoxo

” We get what we put out into the world, so be careful with your words and your thoughts.”

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Do you have the courage to make your life a Blessing?

Do you like who you are? Are you happy with your life? Are there things you want to try but have doubts as to whether you can do them? Do you believe that you are a blessing to the world?

I get it. I was not happy with myself or my life and for a long time, I really thought that someone like me could never do what I’m doing now because I was broken.

I see so many people who have given up and think that they too, are defective and broken and it’s so sad to see that because I know how that feels. It feels like hopelessness. Have you ever felt hopeless? It makes you feel empty and dark. It makes you think that nothing good is ever going to come your way. It makes you want to give up.

I would always see all these sucessful people who seemed to just be so positive and strong and I would think that they were born that way or just lucky or blessed. Not every one can be like that, right? Their lives are just great from birth to death?

I’ve since learned that no one is perfect and even though it seems that they just sail through life getting all the lucky breaks, the best jobs, always seeming to be happy no matter what, that is an illusion. We all have problems. We’ve all had things happen to us and everyone goes through periods of self doubt and low self-esteem.

The fact is..the people we think are perfectly happy and have all the luck are the ones who have fallen down and pulled themselves back up and taken the action to go further, to never give up, to sacrifice in order to become the person they need to be in order to have the life they want. They work their asses off, they are exhausted, they fail, they lose everything but still get back up and they fight their way back to the top.

I want to do that. I am well on my way. I took a long, reflective, look at myself and decided that I was tired of my own crap. Yes, I had bad things happen, I went through a lot as a child. I’ve been hurt, I’ve been picked on and bullied and I have believed all the lies that other people have told me and the ones I’ve told myself. But when you get tired enough of the way your life is, you’ll either lay down and quit or you’ll get up and do something!

Are you doing something to change your life? Do you want to? I do and I am. I’m working so hard to just be myself, unashamedly, authentically, and genuinely. When I started this, everyone thought that I was just going through a phase and they were supportive..until I went even further than I ever have and I stood up and told them that this is who I am and this is what I expect. I have boundaries now and I expect for them to be respected. I don’t get upset at everything that comes my way and I don’t fear everything anymore.

Oh I have fears… I just choose to ignore them and do it anyway. I’m running as fast as I can towards that life that I know I can have. I’m focused so hard on that life, that I can only see the successful outcome that I’m working towards.

I took what I love doing and I’m putting it out there in hopes that I can help someone. I’m not thinking about how many followers I’m going to get. I’m not thinking about whether people like me or not. I’m not looking to write my blog the same way everyone else does and I’m not writing everything that all the other people are writing.

I’m putting my feelings and my thoughts on here the same way as if I were telling you in person. I have so much drive to get up everyday and reach out to whoever needs a friend to help them see the blessing that they are!

I haven’t mastered everything that I need to, but that’s ok. I am a work in progress and I’ll always be a work in progress because I will always strive to be better than the day before. I’m not afraid of failing, I consider failure to be a lesson that I can only learn from. When you take fear and doubts out of your head and replace it with confidence and belief in yourself, you are limitless in what you can achieve.

There will come a time when you look back at all the hardships you’ve been though and they’ll seem like someone else’s hurts. It won’t hurt anymore and when that happens, you will be so fulfilled and whole, that nothing will ever stop you from doing what you know you were made for.

I had this moment a few weeks ago when I was in a zoom meeting with my group and I was telling someone else that her day would come. I realized after I said that IT DIDN’T HURT ANYMORE, that I had a breakthrough in myself. I can look back on the ugly stuff and it doesn’t hurt me the way that is has before. I’ll never forget it, but I know now that none of what was done to me or said to me, had anything to do with me. I have grown and evolved and I no longer feel ashamed or guilty…I feel free and genuinely at peace. That is the best feeling in the world and I want everyone to feel that way.

When that day comes for you, you’ll know everything is going to be ok and all your pain and fears will go away and it will be replaced with peace, confidence, and a belief in yourself that will bring you and your story to a place of pure joy. The kind of joy that makes you jump out of bed every morning and gives you the courage to change the world!

People tell me all the time that I can’t change the whole world and maybe I can’t but I can change the world around me and that causes the ripple effect. That ripple can go as far as you can imagine because each person you touch in a positive way will send out that same ripple.

I truly believe that if we start the changes and self improvements in ourselves first, it’s easier to improve other relationships. Changing your perspective, or mindset, is the first place to begin for that.

I started really looking at my way of thinking and I had a horrible mindset. It was full of doubt and negativity, I told myself that I had no value to give to anyone. I would just shut down completely because I was just stuck and miserable. I had to get fed up and tired of the life that I was living and I made a decision that would lead me to the most wonderful place I have ever been!

I read everything I could find on mindset and I read it until I knew every single word. I put action to everything that it said to do and within a week, my mind was calmer than it had ever been. I’ve always been laid back and pretty content, but I was content with a miserable existence because I had no idea how to change anything. I didn’t think I could change anything.

The more action that I put into changing my way of thinking, the lighter I felt and then one day I was talking to a friend and giving her a pep talk and trying to build her up and I went through a whole speech and when I was done, she just looked at me and smiled. I was looking at her curious to know why she was cheezing it so big and all she said was, “There she is”. I had no idea what she meant and then she told me that I was lost in that speech because she could feel the emotions coming from me and it made her want to go out and do something magnificent!!

What? I was stunned and told her she was crazy, but the more I wrote in my journal and online, the more people would say the same thing and I still have a hard time accepting all the compliments, but really? Me? Inspiring? I still have work to do. I am and will always be a work in progress, but I will tell you now that you must believe in yourself, wholeheartedly and completely or you’ll never change your perspective.

Once you’ve mastered your mindset, you’ll have the tools to go even further in your personal growth. What do you want to do? Who do you want to become? What have you dreamed of that you thought you would never be able to accomplish? Take that newfound mindset and find your purpose. Find that thing that makes your heart smile when you think about it. Find out what makes you excited to get up everyday and go out into the world.

Never let anyone dictate who you are and what you can do! Those are their limitations. You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings and it is up to you to find your purpose and to take that journey. Only you can walk that walk. They can walk with you, but they can’t do it for you.

Adding meditation to your daily routine and a gratitude journal will help you focus more on the positive and to reset and relax your mind. We all have gifts and we all have a purpose. Look at what brings you joy and start with that. Leave the doubters and naysayers behind and just focus on you and what you are trying to achieve and you’ll find your way to what makes you happy and whole.

Remember that you are the one in charge of your thoughts and feelings. You are the one who will go on to fulfill your purpose and live the life that you choose, so leave the other’s thought’s, words, and doubts behind. All that matters is what you think of yourself and what dreams and goals you are running to. Go out and make it all happen! You can do it! I have all the faith in the world in you and you should too!! Do you believe that you are a blessing to this world? Do you have the courage to be a blessing?

Having the courage to do scary things at times feels as though we are jumping out of an airplane. You heart flip flops, you’re breathing faster, maybe your palms are sweaty? That’ OK. Those are normal reactions to fear. Being courageous is not something you feel, although you can, but it’s a decision to do something afraid. I’ve been there a million times and I still get scared, but I remember that my story and my gifts are meant to be used to help others and that is more important than my fears. Have faith sweetness…you were born to be a blessing. We all were. So take a deep breath, let it go, and take that courage inside of you and change the world around you! I believe in you and so should you!

Would Anyone Care…

If I jumped off of that ledge and disappeared into the nothingness, would anyone care?

If I were gone would anyone be sad?

Would anyone cry?

Would those left behind be ok?

Have you ever felt this way? Like a burden? Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel? I have and it’s the darkest place I’ve ever been. I was stripped of my worth. I was stripped of my power and left alone to cry in my pain and misery. They tried to douse me in darkness.

Did anyone care?

Will my light return?

God gave me the brightest lights to come and save me. The best lights. Now I share my light with the world. They saw me. They cared for me. They gave me my light back and helped me to stand again.

I care if you’re gone.

I’ll cry if you leave.

I’ll never be the same.

My heart will hurt.

I see you there in the darkness, crying, alone, and feeling unworthy of Love. I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of all the love in the world. You matter and you are perfect just the way you are. Let me in to share my light and I’ll help you unburden your pain until you can stand again. I’ll hold your hand until you aren’t afraid anymore. I’ll give you water for your thirst. Food for your hunger.

Let me into your heart, let me show you the way, let me give you a reason to stay.

The world would be changed if you left us tonight.

The world needs your light to show them the way from the darkness that stole your light.

The world would mourn without you here to tell of the day your light returned.

Take back your light and share it with the world.

Open your heart and allow the light and love pour into you.

We see you. We are here for you. Never give the darkness your light…that is your light and it is a gift for you to help bring more light and love into this world.

You are worthy. You are loved. You would be missed. Our hearts would break.

Yes, would care very much!

We See You.

We see you.

The saddest thing I’ve ever done

I’ve had quite a bit of time to sit in self relection and really look at my life and all the things that have happened. My life has been the brunt of all things gone wrong and it has also been a huge blessing at the same time.

The things that were meant to destroy me only made me stronger and the blessings have given me an abundance of gratitude. I’m not bitter that people have hurt me and treated me in such a way that should have made me never want to trust anyone again. But it didn’t. It made me look harder at myself and what made me allow them to do those things. What happened to me that made me this way?

I’ve been breaking a trauma bond…one that I found, went all the way back to the very first trauma that I experienced. It wasn’t the abuse as a child. It wasn’t the grave illnesses that kept me pretty much in the hospital most of my childhood. Although those were traumatic events, the one thing that broke me as a child was to hear my father say that he didn’t want me.

I was always super sensitive and kinda fragile as a child and when I loved you…I loved you unconditionally and I thought that everyone loved the same way. Even after all the abuse, the trauma, and the rejection, I still loved my dad unconditionally. I did everything to make him see me. I always thought that in order for me to heal, I needed closure with the people who hurt me, but I’ve learned just in the last three months that I don’t.

Where does it say that we have to have closure with someone in order to heal? The one who told me that I needed closure was a therapist who wanted me to confront them and say my piece and take prescriptions that would make me feel nothing at all. First of all, if you know anything about me, then you know that I am not going to rush right up and invite conflict to come and push me down again! I have always avoided conflict at all costs. I wasn’t good at it and it always made me feel very small and afraid. That is how I have always reacted when confronted with something…well…anything! People who yelled at me scared the hell out of me and people that didn’t yell made me feel like a disappointment and I hated disappointing anyone at all. Sad girl.

I hated that it was that way because at some point in time I just started trying to find all the good that I could and learned that I was funny and my favorite way to deal with crap is to make people laugh. It genuinely brings joy to my heart when I can make someone smile or laugh. To make their day a little better. I became the girl that everyone liked. I was always trying to do everything I could to make sure that everyone else was ok and had what they needed. That’s how I got here. Getting a divorce, after 29 years with my husband. I’ve been with him longer than I was myself! That’s going to take a minute to work out, I’m sure.

It’s been 5 months and I’ve dredged up every traumatic thing in my life and dealt with more toxic people that I care to at one time. I did that on purpose because I knew if I didn’t, I would always feel trapped within my own self. I would never speak up for myself, I would feel guilty for saying no, I would never feel like I was enough. I have fought myself and talked to myself so much that I think my cousin thinks I have lost my mind. I may have, who knows! I’ve been working hard to break old habits and to change my whole way of thinking…especially towards myself. I have the worst opinion of myself and there are a lot of years of thinking this way. It’s hard. I have anxiety and that’s when funny me pops out to make everyone else smile. I am learning though…a little every day.

I’m not where I need to be but that’s ok. We all get a brand new day to start fresh and if you work on that just a little each day then after that it all becomes a habit and once you birth a habit, you’re there! The tricky part is making sure you choose the habits that serve you and your best interest. YOU! YOUR MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. If you keep putting yourself last, you will burn out and then you are sick with 4 autoimmune diseases, a bad ankle that swells all the time, high blood pressure, a heart that never beats right, a pinched nerve and compressed discs in your neck, sciatica, depression, and no feelings what-so-ever because you gave up sometime ago and now your just mad.

In January of this year, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I finally flipped my lid and could not go one more minute in this life that I was living. Oh it wasn’t totally his fault. I admit we had our issues. We had become toxic and it was literally killing me. I was sick and exhausted. I just stopped living and I threw myself into finding a way to support myself and to live the life that I always wanted. It wasn’t a fancy life, it wasn’t a life full of accolades and pats on the back, it wasn’t money…I wanted peace. It took me a while to figure out that in order to have peace I had to ask for freedom. A really smart coach helped me realize that. I kept telling him that it was peace that I wanted but he knew that I would need freedom first. Not just from my husband, but from that wounded little girl who heard her dad say he didn’t want her and then watched him treat other people’s kids like they were the best thing since ice cream.

A texas sized lightbulb has gone off with me in the last few months. I took action and the universe gave me what I needed to break out of my own misery. I do have to say that I have learned more that I really wanted to, but I’ve found my voice again. It’s not quiet when it to wants to be heard nor does it yell…it firmly and politely stands in it’s truth and speaks with dignity and grace. I know exactly what I do not want in my life and what DO I want?

I want my own little space to be creative with. I want to hang out with my kids and cook and laugh and just be. I want to write beautiful stories of inspiration. I want to make people smile and feel better about themselves. I want to grow a garden and cook healthy, delicious food. I want flowers growing everywhere. I want to play with my grandbabies. I’ll be the best Grandma or Mambi Jambi, as My son and his wife call me all the time, that any baby would want. I’m really good at spoiling not just babies but all those I hold close to my heart. I want someday, maybe if the universe wants me to have one…that special person to love me the way I was supposed to be loved…honestly, gently, completely, and unconditionally. Someone who sees my mess and loves me anyway. Someone who sees me. If that doesn’t happen, I’m ok with that too because I am worthy and I am enough for me to be happy. I can love myself and be perfectly happy. I have a servants heart and I will forever do everything in my power to make everyone around me as happy as I can and I will help those that are hurting and lost in the numbness rise up and see their worth too.

This story of me is the saddest thing I’ve ever writtten and I never want to go back to anything like this again. No one should live this way and there are millions of people in this world that are going through the same thing or worse and we, as the human race, need to help each other and stop all this fighting, judging, bullying, and sheer hatred of each other. It serves no purpose except to ruin people’s lives. I preach kindness but that in no way means that I’m weak. Kindness is my superpower and I’m happy that God gifted me with a kind heart and an unbreakable spirit. He knew I would need both to make it to my destination. I still have a purpose in this world and it’s time that I got with it. I hope this inspires you if you are struggling and I hope you can share with those who may need to hear my story. Thank you to those who have been with me during this time of transformation…it hasn’t been easy and I still have things to work on, but I am getting better at it everyday.

Jackie XOXOXO

Quiet Reflection…

I’ve been quiet for a while and have missed writing and engaging with everyone. I’ve been under a huge amount of stress since before Christmas and things have just spiraled into craziness since then.

In January, I asked my husband for a divorce. It was just too much and our relationship was toxic. I have to make sure that I am in a healthy environment because the stress is just killing me mentally, physically, and emotionally. My health is not getting better, it’s getting worse and I need to put my health first.

I am doing lots of self-reflection and I’m also working on healing my inner child. I thought I was good with that part of me but in the last 12 years, so many painful things have happened and I became disconnected from my feelings so that I could deal with everything.

Sadly…disconnecting just makes things worse later. The issues and feelings are still there and the longer you wait, the louder they get in your head. Doing things this way just gave me more time to build up even more issues on top of those. It’s time for me to bury all of those pains. It’s time for ME to figure out who I am and what I want to do.

I’ve been mom and wife for the past thirty-three years and I’ve also been there for countless others. I’ve always put other people’s needs above myself and I do not regret that at all. But…I never managed to take care of myself like I did other people and that has cost me a lot. I’m tired. I’m struggling to move forward in my life because I have no idea what I’m doing yet because I cannot focus on anything long enough to really pick a direction.

I really think I’m a bit stuck. I’m not moving in any direction because honestly, it’s scary. I’ve never been on my own and I’m still getting used to being on my own and doing things just for me and the way I want to do them. It’s a bit nerve-wracking at times. I keep waiting for someone to ask me to help them with something. It’s super quiet too and I’ve caught myself looking for things to do. I feel doubtful about a lot of things, my self-esteem is lacking, and dragging my feet has become an extreme sport.

Even though all of that hot messiness is going on, I am still standing and still trying my heart out to get my life where I want it to be. I’ve gone quiet so that I can really think things through and make sure I do things right. I never want to carry these burdens again.

People should never have to go through the crap that I’ve been through but I also know that I am who I am because of the life I’ve had and I know that I have a purpose in my life. I just need to weed out all the things that hold me back from doing all the things that I need to do. Fear has been a huge part of my life and even though I know better than to allow fear to rule my life and the decisions I make, it still rules a lot of decisions that I make. That tells me that I have things to deal with and I have to go through the crap instead of just pushing it aside and trying to move forward.

It is not easy. It brings the past hurts out in the open and as hard as it is to really look at and deal with…I’m doing it with all the courage I have. I’ll be back to life soon and it’ll be the best ME that I can be. I refuse to allow the abuse or toxicity of others to drown me in victim energy. I am not a victim...I am a victor and the legacy that I leave my children will be that I broke the ancestral curse of pain, abuse, and dysfunction. I’m kicking fear out of my life and making sure that I never go through this again. I’ll be able to do the things that make my heart smile and that is worth everything I am doing right now.

If you are going through things like this…don’t give up. Keep at it until you see daylight again. I promise you that it’s worth it and you’ll be so grateful to finally be done with those burdens. You can do it…I know you can.

XOXO

Finding my way…

I have had the most eye opening experience since I started this journey I’m on. I never thought I would make it to where I am or meet the wonderful people that I have.

I’ve been working hard to build something great and trying to learn as much as I can. This life of mine has been a serious roller coaster but I’m hanging on and laughing as I go. It’s not easy, but I’ve been there before.

My impending divorce has taught me that I can stand up and say that I don’t want this or that anymore and it’s ok. I’m learning to enforce my boundaries without getting exasperated or feeling guilty.

I’m learning to speak my mind and say exactly what I mean without blowing up because I held it in for too long.

I’m learning that I’m pretty good at a lot of things and I can and will make my dreams come true. All by myself. For myself.

I’m learning to love myself… all of me. The good, bad, and even the ugly parts. I feel worthy of all the goodness in the world and I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I still pause at times because of that little voice that pops up and tells me I can’t do something, but I can usually shut her down.

I’m feeling confident and sure of myself and this whole new me is just amazing. It’s like I’ve been locked in a box and someone has finally set me free. I’m not where I want to be yet, But my day is coming.

If you’ve ever been where I have or if you’re there now… don’t give up. Don’t think you’ll always be in the dark. The sun will shine again and you’ll be free to be you again. If you don’t know who you are, then look at what makes your heart smile and that’s where you’ll find you.

There’s a time for everything and I believe that with all my heart. I don’t know why our lives have to be so hard at times or why we have to go through so much pain at times, but I do know that I would not be me if I hadn’t gone through all the things I have.

Life is hard and it’s painful at times. Sometimes it just doesn’t even make sense. But one thing I do know is that you can choose to look at life as a curse or a burden or you can see it as a blessing. Change your mind and you’ll change your life.

Have the courage to change your perspective and make your life a blessing!

xoxo

Jackie

For the girl…

For the girl who cries silently at night…

For the girl who fears trusting again because she’s been betrayed by those she loves…

For the girl who thinks she’s not good enough because she was bullied all through her school years…

For the girl who is starving for male attention because her father abandoned her…

For the girl who cuts herself because that feels better then the life she’s having to live…

For the girl who has no one to turn to because her parents are just not capable of being there…

For the girl who feels so very alone in this world…

For all the girls who have been told that they don’t matter and have been made to feel like nothing. The girls who were told they would never amount to anything good, that they are worthless and a burden to those around them, or left alone to be abused by family members.

I see you. I feel your pain and my heart breaks at the thought of all the ugly in this world breaking your heart too.

I’m here to tell you that your broken heart will smile again. That you will get through this and you will find the sunshine again. You are worthy of all the love and goodness in this world and there IS goodness in this world. You just haven’t found it yet. That love and that beautiful heart of yours is where you start looking…because when you love yourself…everything changes.

I was where you are…I was angry and sad and heartbroken. I was afraid of everything and everyone and I longed to be invisible so that no one would see me. I bet you feel that way too? Well, I see you and all your scars and I think you are perfectly imperfect.

You are worthy, you are wanted, you are loved, and you are the only you there is. It will take some time and you’ll never forget the awful things in your life, but you will become strong and confident and you will learn to love yourself again because it’s not your fault! You did nothing wrong. Nothing.

It was all them. They were people who had no conscious. They had no care in the world at all for anyone. This was THEIR sickness and they took it out on you. They are the ones who need to suffer for what they’e done…not you…not for always.

I know your thoughts because those used to be mine. I used to silently cry at night after everyone was in bed. I never told my mother because she was hurt too. I was afraid of everything, I avoided conflict at all cost, and I felt I had no worth or that no one would ever want me because I was broken.

You are not ruined and you are not unloveable. You will make it through this if you just hang on. Just take one step at a time and you’ll see how far you can go. You have more power than you’ll ever know and life will become limitless if you’ll just take that chance and believe in yourself.

Love yourself. Love yourself so much that it covers all the guilt and shame that you are feeling even though you did nothing wrong. Take that guilt and shame and let your anger be towards the ones who hurt you and then allow that anger to spur you towards putting yourself first. When you have put your health, happiness, and peace of mind first, that’s when the healing begins.

Build those wings while you are rebuilding your life and fly as high as you want to. The world is waiting for you to fly so that you can show others that it’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be ok. Your story will help others and that will, in turn, help mend those broken pieces you are desperately holding together.

Fly high sweet girl! Fly high!

Allowing your faith to be bigger than your fear~

She gave her all to everyone but was so tired and sad that there was nothing left for herself. She gave because her heart demanded it. She couldn’t help herself. Seeing the joy on their faces made her heart smile.

She pulled herself up and with a big sigh… she took that first step and continued on. She was on a mission to help others to find their happy spot. That thing that made their hearts do a little dance. The thing that propels us out of bed in the morning. The thing that makes us feel so proud.

Sometimes she forgets to help herself and she gets lost. Sometimes she becomes afraid of moving further into those dreams she has for herself. She catches herself standing on the cliff, wringing her hands together, wanting to jump but is afraid she’ll fall and break her crown.

Then she remembers what she tells her loves… to take a deep breath, straighten that crown, and jump!! Build those wings on the way down and fly like an angel. She smiles and even laughs a little at the thought that she…the girl who was afraid of everything, was not only standing on the cliff, but jumping off and building her wings so that she could fly.

My what a miraculous thing life is. Just when you think it’s over, the universe steps in and says “Come fly with me! You can do it! You were born for this.” Just like that, your life changes and you grow and learn and you feel strong again. Life is like that…always changing and the storms come and go like the waves on the ocean

I think that its wonderful to give to others, especially in this day and time, but it’s also good to care for yourself because if you are too tired or too broken to help yourself, how can you help others? I think the world needs more people that give love and kindness to those they come across. I believe in having a servants heart because whatever we give out in this world, we will surely get it back.

Kindness is my mantra and I am the broken girl who’s still afraid of a lot of things but I’m still here and I’m still trying. Will you take a chance and believe in yourself enough to step off that cliff and build your wings?

What 2020 taught me…

Whew!! It’s almost over. It wasn’t a terrible year for me. It was actually the best year I’ve had in a very long time. It started out rocky and painful and I fell down quite a few times, but here I am…still standing and stronger than ever!

I almost divorced my husband, I broke off a 40 year relationship with my best friend, and I found my strength to just keep moving. I feel as though I’ve had an awakening and I’m just now seeing the world again. A world that looks totally different. A world with new friends, new attitudes, and new opportunities.

I’m still amazed at how this awful year turned into the biggest transformation of my life. I’m so grateful that the universe gave me a push into that first Tony Robbins Challenge. It gave me the hope and excitement I needed to get to where I am now. I met so many beautiful, encouraging, supportive, people in the last year and it just makes me feel so grateful for every little thing.

There have been some hiccups and a few tears. I’ve lost a few people but I’ve found an abundance of supportive people that are now like my family and I love them all. I’ve learned so many new things that I would have never even thought I would even be interested in and I’ve helped a few people to get back up and take on life as if they were lottery winners!. I’ve stepped out and shown the world all of me, the good, bad and the ugly and guess what?? I have had more support and encouragement than I’ve ever had in my life! I’m free from judgement… because I no longer care what people say about me. I’m free in that I no longer hide my history and my flaws from the world and I’m free because I’ve found my purpose and I’m confident that I really can help others.

To you reading this… don’t hide your self from the world because you think you will not be loved or supported. Don’t hide from what you think people will say about you. Don’t hide. You were made unique and you were given a gift to use while here in this life. Your gift is not like mine or anyone else’s and you will have your own story to tell. You’ll have your own person or situation to use your gifts for. It may be small, like making someone smile who’s been sad or it could be huge like saving the world, but you’ll never know if you’re hiding. So come on out of the shadows and show the world who you are and what you can do. There are alot of people on this planet and I’m sure there is someone that needs to hear your story!

We’ve all had to adapt or change careers in some capacity with the pandemic and the lockdowns they’ve had us on this past year. From what I’ve seen, it has been a huge success for those that have accepted the change and stepped up to the challenge of finding a new career. Even those like me who are working at home with the kids and spouses in tow. I’ve seen people lose their jobs and immediately go home to scour the internet to see what they could do to have an online business. I’ve seen businesses close their doors and bring their business service to the internet and now that’s what they’ll do full time! I’ve seen so many people pull together and support each other. This is what we are supposd to do!

We are all in this together and pulling together to help each other in our communities, is what we should always do…not just in a pandemic. It’s been an eye opening year for sure. I was doubting the human race at one time because of all the ugly I’ve seen. This past year I have seen such Grace and Mercy given by so many, and because of the truly genuine love and support these communities have shown each other, I have Faith in people again.

I hope that everyone who reads this grows their businesses as big as they can think them being. I hope everyone gets healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I hope you all mend those broken relationships. I hope the homeless, abused, addicts, and alcoholics finally find what they need to get well and live lives of purpose. I hope no child goes hungry or missing and I hope every child has a safe, loving, place to live. Most of all…I hope everyone finds the peace in their hearts that they need to be happy again and that we all come to support and encouage everyone we come to in the road of life.

Happy New Year from my family to you and yours! May 2021 be the best year yet!!

Always, Jackie

Stepping into my moment!

My mom always told me that I needed to let my voice be heard because what I had to say was important. Honestly I thought she was crazy because I didn’t think I had anything special to say. She was an awesome mom, always encouraging me to step out of the shadows and voice my opinion and write my stories.

She’s the one who gave me my love of reading and that led to writing. It’s been a long time, but I’m writing again and stepping out of my fear. I have dreams again. I’m not sitting on the sidelines wishing I could stand up and tell the world my story.

I want to tell others like me that fear is a liar. I want to tell them to go out, own your story, and never go back to that place that held you prisoner again!

I would tell them that they have gifts and they need only worry about what to do with those gifts. What other people think or say about them doesn’t matter. It only matters what they think of themselves.

I would tell them to step out of their pain and into greatness! I would tell them to say yes to themselves. Yes to showing the world that they matter and they have something to say. Yes to living a life of abundance and pure joy because we all deserve a life like that.

There’s a big world out there full of kind people who’s hearts are just as big as ours are and they are looking for us. They are waiting for us to step out so that we can share our gifts and help make this world a better place. There are people out there who need us to help.

I never thought I could make such an impact on the world but I am learning that kindness goes a long way and the ripple effect is astonishing. I was told this morning by a friend that my stories helped her to make the decision just to be happy no matter what. That was everything to me because I know what she’s been through and how hard it’s been for her. I literally cried because this is why I do what I do.

So next time someone or even yourself tells you that you aren’t making a difference, just walk away. They don’t know what they are talking about. It just takes one person being impacted in a positive way to start that ripple effect. Go out and use that beautiful voice. Be as loud as you want because the world needs to hear your story and your voice.

I’ve been worried lately that I’m not letting my full voice come out when I speak with people or do my lives and even though I’m doing ok, I feel like I’m holding back so I’m making a promise to myself to work out whatever has me holding back.

I do not want to be silenced anymore. I want to shout at the world with all that I am and I want to tell them that I’m still standing and I win! I came out of those shadows and the sun has never felt better. I was made to help others and I was given a gift to help with that and I swear I’m going to skid into my grave, a little old lady, empty of every gift God gave me and smiling from ear to ear!

So you go out there and you use your gifts until they are all gone and you have touched as many lives as you can and when you are doing this.. smile big and speak loudly. Remember we’re all in this together and life is short. I plan on running to my goals next year and my voice will be heard everywhere and my smile will be so bright that the stars will shine a little brighter.

Just keep your chin up and breathe. We’ve got this because kindness and love are everything. Our voices and the story’s they tell matter.

Getting through the holidays during hard times!

Well here we are, at the end of the year and hoping 2021 is going to be better. It’s Christmas time, the tree is up and the lights and decorations are up outside, making the yard look magical and pretty. I’ve done most of my shopping and I still haven’t had that excited spark that I usually have at Christmas.

I don’t know exactly what it is about this Christmas that has me feeling some kind of way, but I do not like it at all. I think maybe it’s because there are so many people that I know that are suffering from covid or at least the effects that covid has had on people’s lives. Jobs lost, businesses closed, lockdowns, people dying, and just the craziness of it all in general.

We have had a year with so many stresses, twists, and turns that we just don’t know what to think or feel or even expect in our futures and that scares the hell out of a lot of people. Even though life looks and feels pretty scary at times, We have to keep our eyes on the good stuff. We have to not dwell on the things that scare us or stress us out. I know that’s easier said than done, but if we are going to grow into this new life, we must stay positive and diligent in all that we do.

There are so many good things happening in our world that if we focused just on that, we would be jumping for joy! At least that’s how I feel. I am having a hard time too with the end of this year. I’m struggling to get that excited, little kid feeling that I usually have this time of year. I’m not sure what it is, but there is this gloom and doom attitude going on around me and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I know it’s hard not to feel that way in this day and age but we can’t let the darkness take over our lives and allow fear to paralyze us. Fear lies to you and makes things thousand times worse and it makes you think of terrible scenarios that never happen.

We need to replace those doubts and fears with gratitude and faith. Faith in God or not depending on your choice of faith. Faith in ourselves, the world, people, whatever it is that you believe in that makes your life feel better. We are strong and powerful and you have no idea how much power we have in us. Power that some people are using to completely change their lives. Power that helps some to reach out to others to see if they are ok. Power to change the world around us because we, ourselves have changed. We are capable of doing really great things and we need to believe that we can.

There have been so many good things happening around us but if you are caught up in the dark, you’ll never see the beautiful things going on around you. People are working from home in new jobs that they created. They are with their children, although that can be stressful, lol…families are together. People are reaching out to help the homeless and the abandoned and abused. They are supporting and encouraging each other in their businesses and helping each other promote each other’s businesses. These are the people who suffer the most. Small businesses in our hometowns are built by local people with regular lives and they don’t get extra help when things are bad.

People are supporting and encouraging each other in daily life also. There are friends and family who FaceTime and zoom call each other more now than they ever have. We are looking at the little things again. Sweet things. We are more tolerant of certain things. We are doing the reflection in ourselves. We are looking for our passion. Our drive. Our joy in doing something we love.

I heard a story on Facebook today that talked about a person buying the persons behind them a coffee at Starbucks and then the next person did it and on and on all day! It’s fantastic! All those people paying it forward! How wonderful is that?? So you see, if we dwell on the scary and the negative, that is all we’ll see. But if we stay focused on the good things, that is what we will see and it will increase our positive thinking.

For those of you who are grieving this Christmas, I can offer you love, hugs, prayers, and good thoughts! I won’t tell you it’ll get easier because it’s never easy to lose a loved one but we do get stronger and as more time passes we are able to remember the great memories we have with those we’ve lost. You’ll have a thought one day about your loved one and you’ll smile. It’ll be a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. Just know that they are with you always. In your mind, your heart, and your memories. Carry them forward with you into the next generation. Share their lives with those who will carry on after we are gone. Make sure their legacy keeps going throughout the generations.

It’s been such a long year but it hasn’t been all bad. We are still here, doing what we need to to get through it all and even though there’s been loss, illness, and a fear of losing it all, We’ve managed to adapt and keep our heads above water. We’ve created new lives and new jobs, we’ve expanded our online skills, and we’ve made some pretty good friends. That right there is enough to celebrate and I think we should! I think we should celebrate the little things too because life is short and sometimes it’s hard.

This Christmas, I want to celebrate life and the love of our friends and family. I want to celebrate new beginnings, and I want to celebrate even the hard things because they are what makes us who we are. There are going to be hard times in life, that’s a given… but we can face those hard things with courage and deal with them and keep moving forward.

I hope everyone who reads this feels a little better after reading it. I hope your holiday with your friends and family or not.. is exactly what you want it to be. I hope this new year brings us all everything You want and that you and your love ones are safe and healthy!

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