I’ve been quiet for a while and have missed writing and engaging with everyone. I’ve been under a huge amount of stress since before Christmas and things have just spiraled into craziness since then.
In January, I asked my husband for a divorce. It was just too much and our relationship was toxic. I have to make sure that I am in a healthy environment because the stress is just killing me mentally, physically, and emotionally. My health is not getting better, it’s getting worse and I need to put my health first.
I am doing lots of self-reflection and I’m also working on healing my inner child. I thought I was good with that part of me but in the last 12 years, so many painful things have happened and I became disconnected from my feelings so that I could deal with everything.
Sadly…disconnecting just makes things worse later. The issues and feelings are still there and the longer you wait, the louder they get in your head. Doing things this way just gave me more time to build up even more issues on top of those. It’s time for me to bury all of those pains. It’s time for ME to figure out who I am and what I want to do.
I’ve been mom and wife for the past thirty-three years and I’ve also been there for countless others. I’ve always put other people’s needs above myself and I do not regret that at all. But…I never managed to take care of myself like I did other people and that has cost me a lot. I’m tired. I’m struggling to move forward in my life because I have no idea what I’m doing yet because I cannot focus on anything long enough to really pick a direction.
I really think I’m a bit stuck. I’m not moving in any direction because honestly, it’s scary. I’ve never been on my own and I’m still getting used to being on my own and doing things just for me and the way I want to do them. It’s a bit nerve-wracking at times. I keep waiting for someone to ask me to help them with something. It’s super quiet too and I’ve caught myself looking for things to do. I feel doubtful about a lot of things, my self-esteem is lacking, and dragging my feet has become an extreme sport.
Even though all of that hot messiness is going on, I am still standing and still trying my heart out to get my life where I want it to be. I’ve gone quiet so that I can really think things through and make sure I do things right. I never want to carry these burdens again.
People should never have to go through the crap that I’ve been through but I also know that I am who I am because of the life I’ve had and I know that I have a purpose in my life. I just need to weed out all the things that hold me back from doing all the things that I need to do. Fear has been a huge part of my life and even though I know better than to allow fear to rule my life and the decisions I make, it still rules a lot of decisions that I make. That tells me that I have things to deal with and I have to go through the crap instead of just pushing it aside and trying to move forward.
It is not easy. It brings the past hurts out in the open and as hard as it is to really look at and deal with…I’m doing it with all the courage I have. I’ll be back to life soon and it’ll be the best ME that I can be. I refuse to allow the abuse or toxicity of others to drown me in victim energy. I am not a victim...I am a victor and the legacy that I leave my children will be that I broke the ancestral curse of pain, abuse, and dysfunction. I’m kicking fear out of my life and making sure that I never go through this again. I’ll be able to do the things that make my heart smile and that is worth everything I am doing right now.
If you are going through things like this…don’t give up. Keep at it until you see daylight again. I promise you that it’s worth it and you’ll be so grateful to finally be done with those burdens. You can do it…I know you can.