I’ve had quite a bit of time to sit in self relection and really look at my life and all the things that have happened. My life has been the brunt of all things gone wrong and it has also been a huge blessing at the same time.
The things that were meant to destroy me only made me stronger and the blessings have given me an abundance of gratitude. I’m not bitter that people have hurt me and treated me in such a way that should have made me never want to trust anyone again. But it didn’t. It made me look harder at myself and what made me allow them to do those things. What happened to me that made me this way?
I’ve been breaking a trauma bond…one that I found, went all the way back to the very first trauma that I experienced. It wasn’t the abuse as a child. It wasn’t the grave illnesses that kept me pretty much in the hospital most of my childhood. Although those were traumatic events, the one thing that broke me as a child was to hear my father say that he didn’t want me.
I was always super sensitive and kinda fragile as a child and when I loved you…I loved you unconditionally and I thought that everyone loved the same way. Even after all the abuse, the trauma, and the rejection, I still loved my dad unconditionally. I did everything to make him see me. I always thought that in order for me to heal, I needed closure with the people who hurt me, but I’ve learned just in the last three months that I don’t.
Where does it say that we have to have closure with someone in order to heal? The one who told me that I needed closure was a therapist who wanted me to confront them and say my piece and take prescriptions that would make me feel nothing at all. First of all, if you know anything about me, then you know that I am not going to rush right up and invite conflict to come and push me down again! I have always avoided conflict at all costs. I wasn’t good at it and it always made me feel very small and afraid. That is how I have always reacted when confronted with something…well…anything! People who yelled at me scared the hell out of me and people that didn’t yell made me feel like a disappointment and I hated disappointing anyone at all. Sad girl.
I hated that it was that way because at some point in time I just started trying to find all the good that I could and learned that I was funny and my favorite way to deal with crap is to make people laugh. It genuinely brings joy to my heart when I can make someone smile or laugh. To make their day a little better. I became the girl that everyone liked. I was always trying to do everything I could to make sure that everyone else was ok and had what they needed. That’s how I got here. Getting a divorce, after 29 years with my husband. I’ve been with him longer than I was myself! That’s going to take a minute to work out, I’m sure.
It’s been 5 months and I’ve dredged up every traumatic thing in my life and dealt with more toxic people that I care to at one time. I did that on purpose because I knew if I didn’t, I would always feel trapped within my own self. I would never speak up for myself, I would feel guilty for saying no, I would never feel like I was enough. I have fought myself and talked to myself so much that I think my cousin thinks I have lost my mind. I may have, who knows! I’ve been working hard to break old habits and to change my whole way of thinking…especially towards myself. I have the worst opinion of myself and there are a lot of years of thinking this way. It’s hard. I have anxiety and that’s when funny me pops out to make everyone else smile. I am learning though…a little every day.
I’m not where I need to be but that’s ok. We all get a brand new day to start fresh and if you work on that just a little each day then after that it all becomes a habit and once you birth a habit, you’re there! The tricky part is making sure you choose the habits that serve you and your best interest. YOU! YOUR MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. If you keep putting yourself last, you will burn out and then you are sick with 4 autoimmune diseases, a bad ankle that swells all the time, high blood pressure, a heart that never beats right, a pinched nerve and compressed discs in your neck, sciatica, depression, and no feelings what-so-ever because you gave up sometime ago and now your just mad.
In January of this year, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I finally flipped my lid and could not go one more minute in this life that I was living. Oh it wasn’t totally his fault. I admit we had our issues. We had become toxic and it was literally killing me. I was sick and exhausted. I just stopped living and I threw myself into finding a way to support myself and to live the life that I always wanted. It wasn’t a fancy life, it wasn’t a life full of accolades and pats on the back, it wasn’t money…I wanted peace. It took me a while to figure out that in order to have peace I had to ask for freedom. A really smart coach helped me realize that. I kept telling him that it was peace that I wanted but he knew that I would need freedom first. Not just from my husband, but from that wounded little girl who heard her dad say he didn’t want her and then watched him treat other people’s kids like they were the best thing since ice cream.
A texas sized lightbulb has gone off with me in the last few months. I took action and the universe gave me what I needed to break out of my own misery. I do have to say that I have learned more that I really wanted to, but I’ve found my voice again. It’s not quiet when it to wants to be heard nor does it yell…it firmly and politely stands in it’s truth and speaks with dignity and grace. I know exactly what I do not want in my life and what DO I want?
I want my own little space to be creative with. I want to hang out with my kids and cook and laugh and just be. I want to write beautiful stories of inspiration. I want to make people smile and feel better about themselves. I want to grow a garden and cook healthy, delicious food. I want flowers growing everywhere. I want to play with my grandbabies. I’ll be the best Grandma or Mambi Jambi, as My son and his wife call me all the time, that any baby would want. I’m really good at spoiling not just babies but all those I hold close to my heart. I want someday, maybe if the universe wants me to have one…that special person to love me the way I was supposed to be loved…honestly, gently, completely, and unconditionally. Someone who sees my mess and loves me anyway. Someone who sees me. If that doesn’t happen, I’m ok with that too because I am worthy and I am enough for me to be happy. I can love myself and be perfectly happy. I have a servants heart and I will forever do everything in my power to make everyone around me as happy as I can and I will help those that are hurting and lost in the numbness rise up and see their worth too.
This story of me is the saddest thing I’ve ever writtten and I never want to go back to anything like this again. No one should live this way and there are millions of people in this world that are going through the same thing or worse and we, as the human race, need to help each other and stop all this fighting, judging, bullying, and sheer hatred of each other. It serves no purpose except to ruin people’s lives. I preach kindness but that in no way means that I’m weak. Kindness is my superpower and I’m happy that God gifted me with a kind heart and an unbreakable spirit. He knew I would need both to make it to my destination. I still have a purpose in this world and it’s time that I got with it. I hope this inspires you if you are struggling and I hope you can share with those who may need to hear my story. Thank you to those who have been with me during this time of transformation…it hasn’t been easy and I still have things to work on, but I am getting better at it everyday.