It’s been awhile since I’ve worn my crown. I took it off a very long time ago because someone told me it was silly and that only royalty wore crowns. I took it off that day and put it away. I haven’t thought about it for a very long time and when moving my things, I found it and I thought that those people don’t even matter anymore and I put that crown on my head, squared my shoulders, and flipped them all off and it felt awesome!! I’m not ever going to believe them again! Anyone that’s been through the hell that I’ve been through deserves all the crowns she can get her hands on…maybe a sash and a scepter too!! I know the truth now and nothing is going to change that.
I’ve just gone through six months of gut wrenching pain and chaos. It was certainly traumatic. I believe that the things that hurt you the most…the ones that change you, are very traumatic. They say that broken hearts can kill you and I know for a fact that if it doesn’t kill you, you’ll wish it had. Heart break is just sad…for anyone. There are different traumas for different people. Some people are loud and angry and some are quiet and withdrawn. I have learned that it’s ok to be quiet but it is also ok to raise your voice if they are not listening to what you have to say. I usually get better results when I give them “the look” and I speak very slowly and quietly.
I have meditated, listended to inspirational speeches, played all my inspiring and healing music, I have written hundreds, maybe thousands of pages about my life. All about me. What happened to me, how I felt, who hurt me, who stayed, who left, and who decided to make me feel like I didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. Only one of those people are still on this earth as of now and I’ve said my peace and I have forgiven them all, but most importantly, I forgave myself for taking on everyone else’s guilt and shame. That was not for me…it was theirs to bear.
I purged everything negative, painful, and that does not serve my best interest. I accepted it, I looked at it, and I let it go so that only good and positive things come into my life. I have been carrying trauma and fear nearly my entire life. I just clung onto it because it was the only thing I knew and sadly it felt comfortable and safe. I only had a handful of people that I could feel safe with and I could trust that when they told me something, it was Truth.
The most important one of those people was my mother. I miss her so much sometimes that I just have that pain in my chest because I need her so badly. She was my rock and all I needed was to hear her voice and I instantly calmed. She took care of 4 kids by herself for awhile and with me being so sick, I’m astonished at her ability to care for all of us and still do all that she did. I was at the ER at least 3 or 4 times a month(for 10 years) because of my heart condition. She sat with me through seizures, a stroke at the age of 8, and two major open heart surgeries.
She was super woman and she kept her cool all the time. She never broke down and just cried from all the stress. I never saw her do that. She was strongest woman I knew. When things get really hard, she always shows up in some way or another. I’ll hear her call my name, find an old picture that relates to something I’m dealing with, and just hearing her give me that pep talk about remembering who I am and what kind of women I came from. It does it every time and I caught myself writing it down so that I could put it on my desk to see everyday. Thanks Mom!
I’ve seen that strength in myself a few times in the last few years and I guess before when we were all together. Before Ryan went to college. Before we moved to Austin, Texas. Before Mom(2009) and Dad(2011) died. Before Matt went to prison (2010). Before I almost died again in 2012 with a Thyroid Storm. By that time, I was just done with all the craziness in my life. That’s when it really started…the anxiety, the depression, I had no desire to do anything, my marriage was just going through the motions, and my hope was slipping every day. I stayed super busy all the time so that I didn’t have time to think about the broken pieces.
All of that stress in just a few short years and I was thrown into that black hole of chronic illness. Pain everyday. weakness in my muscles everyday. Trying hard to do something to get my strength back but I was in a state of constant stress and no one gets well in an environment of stress. It makes you sick and tired. Sad and depressed. It makes you give up and too tired to care and when you add a toxic relationship to that…you don’t want to be here anymore…at all. I would never leave my children that way because they are my everything and they are the one thing that truly did bring me happiness no matter how sad I felt.
In all of this crazy, stressful, toxic mess, I have healed my inner child, I’ve done a brain dump on my entire life, I’ve prayed to God to give me a sign, to show me how to do this, I’ve done everything I could think of to break this traumatic bond with all of these Traumatic experiences. I was literally on my knees begging the universe to talk to me, to show me a sign, to help me pull it all out of me. All the garbage The One that conditioned me for all the others. The one that taught me how to hide and be fearful and the one that made me feel worthless. The last thing I want to do is go to the cemetary and find my father’s grave, but I’m going to and I want to tell him everything that I’ve always wanted to say and I want to leave all of that with him. I’ll never pick that up again. It’s not mine to carry.
My father took my worth. Other people took little pieces of me too. Crushing my self-esteem, killing my confidence, and making me small and afraid again. The universe will take care of them. I’ll take my life back and never let it go again. I’ve healed my inner child and she is healthy again. She’s no longer afraid and hiding…I call her little one. She’s still working on it all except now we do it together.
I’ve been practicing meditation and visualization every day for the last 6 weeks. I mean consistently three times a day and then it all started to change. I’m breathing better, I feel calmer, and the negative voice gets quieter and quieter as I go. I’ve been saying positive affirmations, trusting my intuition again, and speaking, reading, and writing only positive things. I’ve had good conversations with my husband and we are both calmer about it and we are trying to help each other with it and that’s a bit strange but it’s also good. Our children (even though they are all grown) do not need to see us fighting and hear us talking about each other in a bad way…it only are hurts us. I made it a point not to talk badly about my husband because that just makes me like all the other people who do that. It’s ugly and harmful to everyone.
If there is anything good in this divorce, it’s that we are both healing ourselves and we are changing. We are elevating our minds, bodies, and our spirits to a better place. We are doing what we are supposed to be doing and We’re going to be ok. I know that everyone heals in their own way, but the one thing that you have to do is believe. Believe that you can heal and that you deserve to heal. Drowning in Victim Energy is no way to live. It’s hard and painful and you are never truly happy because you are too busy blaming yourself for things that other people have done.
I told myself every day that I could do this. I believe in myself. I talked to myself calmly and I left the emotions out of it. Never think that you can’t do it…tell yourself that you can until you do. Trauma is something that gets in your head and it digs in and makes you feel all the horrible emotions. I was drowning in sadness and depression but you couldn’t tell because I had the happy face on all the time, stuffing that crap down so that no one would see me. Sad girl.
I told myself the same things everyday. I told myself that I could do this and be happy. I deserved to have all the things that make my heart sing. I am worthy just because I was made by God and that makes me just the way I am supposed to be. I never have to change for anyone. I was not made to be small and afraid all the time…I was made to have joy, peace, and all the beautiful things in this life. No one is here to be judged, riticuled, or made to feel less than. There are people in this world who’s soul purpose is to destroy you just because they are miserable and jealous of everyone better than they are. Some people are just hateful and mean and that is their business. They are responsible for themselves. How they live, how they act towards other people, and what they have in their lives. We all have a choice as to whether we are happy or successful. You just have to dig out of the darkness and declare to the universe that you will rise and you will make the right decisions for the best life for you.
If we don’t step up and grab the beautiful things in life and continue to lay in the road, we’ll be run over and then what? Lay down and die? I’ve contemplated that but then my will to live pulls me up and says “Try again”. That’s the best thing my mother told me…”Try, Try, Again Jackie…you are stronger than you know”.
I believe now. I love me now. I want to be a light in this world. I know that my purpose is to love and heal those I come in contact with. I have a servants heart and enough love to give to everyone. I am exactly who I was made to be and if you have felt this way and you feel stuck, not knowing how you’ll survive…read my stories, call me, message me, e-mail me…I’ll hold your hand until you are strong enough to trust and believe in yourself. I’ll never leave you alone. But I know that you are strong and you want so badly to be confident and truly happy again. Look hard…she’s in there…talk her out of the darkness. You can do this and you deserve all the beautiful things!!
Thank you all for your love and support…I could not have made it without my sisters, my very good friends, my children and everyone that knows me here and on my pages. I love you all.
” We get what we put out into the world, so be careful with your words and your thoughts.”